It would seem I always leave room for a lover, yet when that space fills up I somehow fuck it up. So I’ve got to thinking….
I’ve must have dating all wrong. When you meet someone from Tinder, that’s not a date. That’s an “oh-hello-person-I-just-met-in-the-flesh-for-the-first-time-ever-and-we-have-a-mutual-attraction.”
To get technical, yes it is a date because by definition a date is: a social or romantic appointment or engagement. However, Tinder dates fall under social appointments. You have no idea if it’s romantic yet without getting to know someone. This is a not a romantic date, and it must be what separates lust from love.
The reason for this post is my proclamation that I need to reconsider my dating red flag. My red flag was if the person talks about an ex on the first date, this is a HUGE NO-NO. Under my new thought pattern, I now see talking about an ex as a normal thing to do when you are getting to know someone. I mean yeah, you probably want to keep it to a minimal, we aren’t talking like a therapy session here. But if it’s relevant to the conversation, then sure. It’s part of how you organically get to know someone.
Side note: This social appointment is stage four of the online dating vetting process:
If you’re curious, it’s:
- Talk on tinder
- Text exchange
- Phone conversation
- Meet in person
Stage four is seeing your match in 3D. Things like height to weight ratio, condition of teeth, sense of style, (because we all know how important shoes are), mannerisms, how they smell etc., all come into play during Stage 4. It’s a whole other level when you meet someone in person. I once met up with a guy who smelled like moth balls. And that’s my one memory of him.
Fuck the 2D. The 2D leaves too much up to the imagination. And in our imagination we get stuck in a fantasy, whether good or bad. We assume. And if you recall Rule #3 of The Four Agreements it’s to not make assumptions. So how can you romantically date someone you don’t yet know?
In order to get to the romantic date stage, you need to establish a friendship and a solid foundation. We do this by learning about someone’s vulnerabilities. So when meeting someone for the first time it’s totally acceptable, if not encouraged, to talk about an ex a little bit, the past, and some of your insecurities. There’s no point in putting on a show.
Why not show up exactly as you are?
Or as Kurt Cobain would say, “come as you are.” Let the person see you for who you are, be vulnerable. And if they meet you where you’re at? All the better. This is a connection that can be cultivated into a relationship.
By taking this approach, you will learn so much about another person and be able to determine whether or not this the type of person you want to be around.
I’ve heard most successful relationships are the ones that started off as friends first. Some of the #relationshipgoal couples I know started out the way. They have that Pam and Jim vibe.
Have you ever thought back to that initial gut reaction you had when you first met someone from Tinder in the flesh? For me, sometimes the thought has been: “Oh, he’s a little guy”, to, “ooh, he’s cute!”, to that one time when it was “OMFG he’s so fucking hot!!!” And then in 2020 it was “is he wearing a mask, outdoors?” And it’s usually that initial gut reaction that rears its instinctual head back up. But you cannot get this without the 3D.
Also, I think all this is a learning lesson in not giving a fuck. Nike had it right: Just do it. Let it go. Put it out there, who you are, your wants, your desires, and release it to the universe.
If it’s authentic for you, it does not matter.
Also, who else is all 5 of the Love Languages? Love has many facets.
Call me sexy (words of affirmation)
Grab my ass (physically touch)
Come chill with me (quality time)
Cook for me (acts of service)
Buy me stuff (gifts)
There are so many components in making a relationship work, but also what the hell do I know? I’ve only ever been in love with emotionally unavailable men.
So, the moral of the story is, get to know someone before you date them romantically.