It’s a question I often ask people in the beginning stages of dating. I find it endearing, more unique then “What do you do for work?”, and it opens up the dialogue in a fun way.
I never really thought about it, but apparently the way you take your coffee says a lot about your personality! For example, if you take your coffee black, you could be a psychopath with sadistic tendencies. (Reflecting on my recent dating endeavour, I’d say this is correct!)
Mine’s no better nor worse. A a wise woman recently reminded me, “put yourself is someone else’s shoes.” So simplistic, yet how often do we truly do this? This adage cannot resonate stronger than at a time like right now. This is a moment in my lifetime where I’ve never experienced more divisiveness. A time when a differing of opinions, beliefs and values can make us block, silence, delete, and turn a blind eye to each other.
By putting ourselves in someone else’s shoes maybe we’ll be better able to approach our loved ones, acquaintances and strangers with compassion, love and a smile. For me, I’m going to work on saying “Hello” to strangers while on walks, and maybe sit with my aunt more often and see what’s going on in her life.
Who is your inner divine counterpart?
Who is the you you’d be if no one was watching? No one was judging? If nobody cared?
Would you dance and sing a little louder? Would you create? Would you travel? Would you build? Would you speak up? Would you play?
Who is the inner you and what would you do?
My inner goddess is an artist. She wants to dance, she wants to create, she wants to love, she wants to sing, she wants to give.
You know when songs start to give you a bad aftertaste?
It’s not the song’s fault. This is just due to the memories the tune happens to bring up. Perhaps of an ex, or of people who aren’t part of your life anymore. Those bittersweet memories. The cringe-worthy moments. The times you were happy as shit. The times that are long gone and can never be recreated. The ones that initially bring a smile to your face but then are quickly followed by sorrow because that moment, that person, that place, that feeling are now gone, evaporated into the air.
Well, what if instead of feeling dread, regret or sadness, we look at those moments with a smile or laughter? Why not allow the joy you feel run through your veins? Yes, that moment is gone, but can’t we revel in the happiness we once felt for a brief moment rather than come at it negatively?
And maybe we need to start finding the humour in our missteps and life lessons. Like for example, “Remember that time I travelled 400 miles for dick?”😂Or that time I drove 45 minutes for a 1 AM booty call at a fancy Hamilton hotel with the hottest guy ever and didn’t even sleep with him? 😂 (Side note: I hope he’s well.)
We have to learn to laugh at the past. See it with love and gratitude and then return to the present moment.
And my last 420 thought:
If you’re only as strong as your weakest link and you don’t like your surroundings, are you the weakest link?
Reading an article posted on The Kit.ca where they interview Logan Ury, Director of Relationships at Hinge (like that’s even a real thing?!), and author of How to Not Die Alone, because apparently we have only two options in life: couple up or die alone.
However, reading the article and trying not to be too cynical about Ury’s views she says we need to change our behavioural patterns in order to have a long-lasting romantic relationship and she delves into the reasons we may be self-sabotaging our love lives.
The things we are doing that are wrong:
We assume that love will find us – Finding love takes hard work according to Ury. Seems we have to treat it as a job with deadlines, checklists, finding an accountability partner, deciding what kind of a person we want to be with and affirming: I am looking for love, I am not a person who is waiting to die. Am I the only one who believes Daniel Johnston when he sings “True love will find you in the end”? Should I give up on my dream of the magical romantic serendipitous encounter at the grocery store?
We’re waiting for The One – She says there is no such thing as The One. If you believe that you’re classified as a Romanticizer. These people think once you find your soulmate you don’t have to put any effort into the relationship, nor have any difficult conversations. When you romanticize you take relatively small things (i.e. dirty socks on your date’s living room floor) and declare this person unfit to be your romantic partner. We are seeking perfection. In my case, I am definitely looking for the right one and am physically unable to settle, so call me a romanticizer if you must!
We’re in a new relationship every three months – Well welcome to the world of online dating and its endless options! She says we are ditchers who pull the parachute far too soon and jump around from relationship to relationship. Love has different phases, so what we experience in month one will be different from what we experience in month eight. She wants us to give time and energy into something rather than jumping ship. Also, we’re likely choosing the wrong people; she says we may tend to chase someone who pulls back from us when we pursue them. We get addicted to the anxiety and confuse it for chemistry. She says date someone who is affectionate but gives space, someone comfortable with intimacy but doesn’t smother you. Secure people are reliable, self-aware and communicate how they feel.
We took a break from dating during pandemic – Don’t stop doing things in life because of the Rona. If not now then when?
We keep going back to our Ex – Ury says when we do this we are reaching for the familiar. The cost to keeping an ex around? It holds us back. So delete them from your life and convince yourself you’ve made the right decision, but only if you’re serious about moving on. As a side note: I’ve learned it’s when we’re encountering moments of loneliness that we start to miss our ex(es). Once we can recognize that feeling just remember, this too shall pass.
. We’re burnt out on dating – Agree 110%. We are TIRED. We are now showing up on dates already feeling defeated and believing you’ll never find someone at this point. Anyone else have The Ataris’ Giving Up on Love playing through their head? And when we feel this way while dating, the other person can feel our negative vibes. She recommends taking a month off from dating to do community service, read a book and work on your own happiness.
What are your thoughts on this? There’s one view point from the book It’s Not You 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single that boils down to we just haven’t met the right person yet. We aren’t being too picky, too available, too successful, etc., etc., etc. We are perfect as is.
After reading this article, at first highly cynically I admit, I definitely see some areas needing improvement in my dating life. I think some fine tweaking and taking Ury’s advice wouldn’t hurt any of us. Ultimately, a lot of this has to do with timing and where we’re at in our lives at this moment. You’re sure as shit not going to meet anyone of value if you’re in a negative state of mind.
Taking a break sounds awesome. Tulum, Mexico, here I come! And if you don’t know what type of person you wish to cultivate in your life, here’s a very helpful meme from IG:
When dating, some guys will put in the minimal effort to try and sweep us off our feet. They think things like casual texts like “sup?”, photos of their dog laying in their crotch and last minute hangout invites are going to woo us. My word. What are we, 18? When situations like this arise, you gotta ask yourself: are these the types of behaviour I’m going to accept when dating and looking for a partner? It all comes down to us and what we stand for. Frankly, the above behaviour warrants no response, because it’s just unacceptable dating behaviour when you are 35.
Last night, I went on my first date since The American, and I was pleasantly surprised. This man picked me up at my house, and got out of his damn car to greet me, and opened the car door for me. He also walked me to my front door at the end of the date. Uh. I’ve never experienced this level of chivalry before. And that’s probably because I accepted subpar treatment from punks for years. My bad.
This experience made me realize it’s the behaviour that we accept during the dating phase that sets the standards for the long term. What we agree to and the things we are okay with showcases what we think our worth is. What are you willing to accept? What actions are deal breakers?
So the next time someone asks you to go for a drive on your first meet up, ask yourself if this is the type of person and relationship you’re trying to attract in your life. Saying “no” to this behaviour allows the universe to know we want more for ourselves, plus gives our confidence a lil’ boost because we raised our standards.
No more self-serving guys. How about men with their shit together (or at least 95% of their shit together, cause we all got stuff) and us as high-valued women?
Sometimes the reason why things don’t work out could simply be due to a bad connection. Actually, poor communication is the reason why many things fall to pieces.
“The definition of connection is that something is linked with another or associated with another or that there is a relationship between two or more things.” And that link, when you have a bad connection, is broken or defective.
I bring this up as I reflect on my last dating endeavour. After a break up we (humans) tend to remember the good parts, which leads us to naturally start missing the person.Your mind will play games on you, analyzing, questioning, all the things… but if you dig a little deeper you see it might only be the routine that you’re actually missing.
Did I just set a new Guinness World Record for the longest first date? At the time I started this post, we were going on 360 hours spent together, mostly under one roof. It’s completely arguable though if it still counts as a date once we reached the point that we were no longer interested in each other, but were more or less stuck together until I got the proper paperwork to fly back home to Canada.
In total we spent approximately 384 hours together. I finish this post in the airport while I wait to board my plane back home. In the time The American and I spent together we found sweet moments, hope, helpfulness, laughs, cuddles, annoyance, dismay, disgust, arguments, judgement, separation, and basically all the facets of an LTR wrapped up into two weeks.
As one of my good friends put it, this experience was a fast-tracked 1-2 year relationship which makes me lucky because time is more valuable than money. I don’t regret anything that happened. I learned a lot about the things I want to do and the things I am capable of doing, and met some cool people along the way. I am just glad to be heading home.
How appropriate MMMBop starts playing in the airport as I write this. What is an MMMbop, you may be asking? Well, pulling from my teeny bopper experience, it was described as a moment in time. The song kicks off,
“You have so many relationships in this life Only one or two will last You go through all the pain and strife Then you turn your back and they’re gone so fast…”
and don’t forget about:
“Plant a seed, plant a flower, plant a rose You can plant any one of those Keep planting to find out which one grows…”
So keep planting and watering, and remember all we have is the present moment.
So things aren’t panning out the way I had hoped with The American, and that’s okay. I’m packing my bag and leaving after a two-week stay. What can I say, I’m a hopeless romantic and my hopes were high that he was the one I could build a life with.
All the romance that was present in our relationship before we met quickly subsided as the reality of day-to-day living grew upon us. There was no more hand holding, no more sweet compliments. We got domestic fairly quickly, as I naturally took it upon myself to cook and clean, while he cared for more of the grunt housework. It didn’t take long for my neurosis to kick in, and things like him no longer opening the car door for me meant he was no longer smitten by me. It’s a catch-22 really. He’s not showing me romantic gestures or spilling kindness, and I can’t help but think he’s uninterested. This basically makes me beg for reassurance, and so maybe that’s why I create dramas out of small things. I need to know he still cares, but it’s hard for a man to keep having to give this reassurance as his feelings fade. And it just seems to turn into a snowball effect. It’s a shame really, and seems to be a pattern I keep reliving.
I know it wasn’t going to work because he’s not someone I’m sexually attracted to. It just hurts when the feelings of not wanting to be with me are reciperacated. I fall into the victimness of feeling not good enough.
“You’re cool, but I don’t see us working out long term” – words I’m familiar with hearing in my dating career.
Reflecting back on the patterns in myself creating this, immediately my internal guidance system is telling me it’s because I become sexually physical way too soon in the relationship than I am ready for. I need to focus on becoming intimate and comfortable with someone before sleeping with them. I think this is how I break the pattern.
But on my first night here, he told me he loved me. And I don’t want to dive into the rabbit hole of whether or not the things he said held validity or not, but I can’t help to wonder if I was duped. Just accept what is and move on.
Through our decision making we learn lessons. And the lesson here is I want more from a man. I want a man who will fight to keep me. I want a man who will love me exactly as I am, neurosis included. And most importantly, I want to be able to flow with life and follow the path of least resistance.
Is it possible to find love with someone you haven’t met in person yet? Well, in 6 days, I’m about to find out.
I met an American on Tinder in November. I never really thought anything of it because well, the distance, and also the whole Covid thing didn’t help. After four months of consistent chats and video calls (except for the two weeks I dated someone else), one or two arguments, and a few steamy phone calls, we decided to roll the dice. He’s invited me to stay with him in his newly rented home in Ohio for an undisclosed amount of time. Initially I was going to visit for four days, then that turned into two weeks, and now with the crazy restrictions in Canada, we’re leaning more toward a two-month-long first date.
As a non-essential worker here in Toronto, I’ve been in and out of work for almost a year. So with nothing tying me down, I am packing my bags and going.
I feel good about this. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be going. I was definitely resistant to the whole relationship from the beginning, but he has charmed my boots off and has seemingly won me over.
So this is me documenting the experience.
This also begs me to ask the question: how far have you travelled for a first date? I’m about to travel over 400 miles for mine, so wish me luck!