What are your dating standards?

Let’s take a moment to talk about DATING STANDARDS

Sticking to my dating standards during the pandemic has been difficult, or rather, I’ve been lazy. Bypassing the tinder texting phase and almost instantly sharing my phone number, bypassing my social media non-share practices and sharing my online life with a stranger, bypassing the feel-the-vibe-out phone call before a meet and greet…and boy oh boy do I now see more than ever why I have these measures in place. They truly help weed out people you don’t vibe with.

I fully understand why my dating practices during pandemic haven’t been inline with the type of relationship I want to cultivate, and even the type of I high-value person I strive to show up as. All this curtailing of my standards was in an effort to find connection in a time where being social with the outside world had become pretty obsolete.

…and you know what they say, awareness is key.

So after a short Covid fling, I took some time to re-evaluate my standards, and here are some edits to my long list of what I’m looking for:

  • someone who opens doors for me
  • calls me his gf
  • has a clean living space
  • texting back within reasonable time frame
  • wants to see me, excited to see me
  • makes me breakfast
  • not into video games

I read a quote recently, “Don’t change your authenticity for someone else’s approval” and it rang like sirens through my head. You know this is happening when you start second guessing your moves, or editing your responses and over thinking your outfits. In these times, we need to take a step back, and maybe pray and ask for a little help.

A Covid fling and it’s permanency

As we slowly get back to normal life only time will tell if your Covid fling will last.
Oh yes, I’m talking about that companion we had to FaceTime with through the night, to go on physical distance walks with, to text during the day when bored af. How will these relationships fair once we’re all back to regular life?
No more people at your disposal. No more using each other for momentary companionship. The fling is over!
As we reignite with friends, head back to work, and carry on business as usual, the dynamic between you and your fling is definitely going to change! And now I’m asking myself whether or not these Covid flings will turn into something more, or fizzle out.
I suppose only time will tell…but I do offer this insight:
To determine whether or not your fling has staying power may be determined by how far sexually you went with your fling. If you gave it up before they could take you out on at least 3 proper dates, then you’re likely to be doomed! They will feel no need to take you out for patio drinks as you undervalued your worth.
I do realize this, of course, is only a limited belief placed on us by society. It’s up to us if we choose to have the same belief system or not.
…Alas it’s kinda true. I joked to my Covid fling, “Now that we’re in Phase 2, you can take me out on a proper date!” And although he said he looks forward to it, he also joked that he doesn’t have to because I already gave it up. Tsk tsk.
Side note: To be completely honest I do not have an interest to sleep with him again. At least not right now. Sooooo he is going to have to woo me and try and earn it again.
—End End End—

A brief follow-up: It’s like looking in a mirror

On second thought, we shouldn’t put our expectations onto other people. For one, I’m a firm believer in expectations leading to let down, and two, we have to allow people to just be who they are.

When we put expectations onto others we are kind of trying to control the situation. Rather, let us allow people to show us for who they are. And then, it is our choice what we wish to do with that information.

Y’all pick up what I’m laying down?

We dictate our standards and values.

It’s like looking in a mirror

Anytime I find myself in the bathroom of a new beau, I give myself a second look in the mirror. It’s that “here we go again” kinda look. And in each bathroom mirror I think “maybe this is the one? maybe this is the last time I’ll catch myself in the mirror of a new guy?” Well, since I’m still single, I guess my most perfect mirror match is still out there.

7 months in the mirror prior, a couple weeks in the last, the dating cycle continues as re-evaluating standards is a constant as the relationship progresses, or regresses.

Question: How important is it to you for the person you are seeing to make you breakfast in the morning after you spent the night? I guess I’ve come to learn it’s something of importance to me. This act of kindness shows me you care about me, value me and find me special. So when the guy I am seeing chose not to walk across the street to pick up bacon and eggs this morning, it put a sour taste in the mouth.

I mean, he could’ve at least put in the effort after I had his dick in my mouth.

Shame on me? or Shame on him?

covid kisses confession

I’ve kissed three people during the pandemic. How many have you kissed?

Now before you judge me, just understand that I:

  • am almost 35-years-old
  • am living with my mom
  • was dumped pre-Covid
  • hold questionable career choices

It is not a time for me to also be single. And if you ask me, this whole quarantine, mask wearing, physical distancing thing has been blown way out of proportion. Some of my friends would rage is disagreement, but they are also not in the same predicament I’m in.

As a single almost 35-year-old woman, how can I stop my life? I just want to find my forever man and live happily ever after. At almost 35 years old, I will say this chicken is still pretty spruce mostly thanks to fitness, kale salads and 3L of water a day… I think I look the best I’ve ever looked in my entire life. So you understand when I say that finding a husband now is IMPERATIVE to my well-being.

If I wait, I may become a…..gasp…spinster, or the pigeon lady from Home Alone 2…eeeep!

The timing of the breakup was terrible. How can I rebound when we aren’t even allowed to be within 2 meters of people?! I had to do what I needed to do for my own sanity – date IRL.

One person I met was setup to be my rebound, but I wasn’t feeling it. Another gent had potential, but again, wasn’t feeling it. The third man however, the third feels good, so I think my germ spreading will cease.

The time for me to heal is now, and to heal from heartache during a pandemic has been something else. One day I hope to look back and see how it’s made me stronger and wiser. For now, I’m just trying to not lose my mind.

Peace and Love,

Vanessa

Covid & the changing dating landscape

Well, I’m glad to say I kept some of my fat clothes. There’s a definite expansion in my waist these days, and it might be from stress eating!

Right now, it’s all about being comfortable, and with the world turned upside down, it’s easy to get swept away in news-fear and anxiety. We are turning into a virtual world, and that’s kinda scary. The flip side would be about embracing the change and trusting the government… (even if that’s hard to do).

The freedom, we once took for granted we no longer know.

Even the dating landscape has changed.

The conventional wine-and-dine dating is out the window. There are no more dinner dates, movie dates, bowling dates etc. 

If you’re dating during Covid you can now expect a series of FaceTime calls and maybe a physical distancing park date (which come to think of… the park date was V common pre-covid) but you could usually couple that with a coffee stop. 

So when it comes to dating during Covid, what kinda in-person activities can we actually do? I mean, we want to get off our devices and do things in person, right?

Here are some suggestions:

  • Do takeout + drinks and enjoy the meal at the park (if picnicking is allowed?)
  • Netflix and virtual chill
  • Nights where you jam out to music together – can be done in person or over Zoom
  • Go for a hike – a longer hang out, you can see how physically fit someone is, how they interact with others, what kinda snacks they pack, how they may assist if something were to happen… etc.

BUT…a big problem with the in-person hangout is the lack of il bagno… so if nature calls, you gotta hold it (or go home)! Another is the lack of touching allowed. When you’re meeting someone for the first time I guess it’s just about a friendly nod or wave nowadays. But what if you want to go in for the hug? I mean you gotta check if they give good hugs right?!

And now the question I’m asking myself is how long do you wait to sleep with someone?

You’ve been video chatting and going for walks with someone for awhile now, ya’ll like each other…so, what is the next step? Maybe it’s sending a hot pic? Maybe it’s sexting? But when does it actually get physical?

There was a formula pre-covid women could oblige by: sex after three dates. But this no longer applies! There is no way I’m gonna give up the cookie after a few park walks, is there?! 

Let’s look on the bright side

I think right now, we have the opportunity to really get to know someone without our hormones getting in the way. We can take this different approach to dating and run with it. It might give us the opportunity to build a foundation with someone, rather than jump from situationship to situationship chasing the initial high of matching with someone new. But, do we have the patience to make this happen?

It’s kinda like Netflix’ Love is Blind, and I embrace it! But I’m def not giving up the cookie easy during this! And neither should you!

isolation boredom + dating momentum

There’s something to be said about maintaining the momentum when online dating, especially now during COVID. We are faced with many matches and an urge to make a connection with someone and perhaps even sustain said connection all while we’re stuck at home.

If the connection wheel is a spinning and you let it slow down or stop, you run the risk of your perspective post-COVID companion to find someone else to spin their wheel in the meantime. This can lead to a lost connection.

So many fast and furious connections, people looking for that instant attraction, chemistry and spark. We are ready to connect with someone, ANYONE, due to isolation boredom. And looking for a partner out of boredom isn’t going to bring you who you want. I call it conjuring up a game of bored and seek. It’s when we are looking for our next fix. Sometimes these “situationships” die off quick because we lack the ability to keep the momentum going.

But there are moments we manage to make a wonderful connection where you actually feel the other person’s energy. This goodness and sense of another person’s humanness is utter JOY! But unlike S04E04 of Black Mirror, we don’t know how long we’re going to be connected to that person. Will it be just a few hours? 1 month? 5 years?…

So I write this because there is a moral of the story: if the vibes feel good, keep the dating momentum wheel going by moving it little by little. If it feels good do it, don’t overthink it, and maybe eventually it will keep spinning all on its own.

embrace your pain

The world is on pause, yet life doesn’t feel much different. the same loneliness rattles in my head, the same daydreams circle about, the same suffering occurs.

Eckhart Tolle says to not resist your pain, to surrender to the grief, despair, fear etc., He says to witness it without labelling it mentally and just allow it to be. In fact he says to embrace it. Then, we are to see how the miracle of surrender transmute deep suffering into deep peace.

Okay, so I surrender. I surrender these feelings, I surrender this pain. I surrender the attachment I have to all the relationships in my life. I surrender the labels I’ve given myself over the years.

Through the pain and suffering we quietly return to ourselves.

Continue reading “embrace your pain”

Say a little prayer for you…

When things start to feel like they’re too much, take your hands off the wheel. Place the power in the universe’s hands and trust in the process. They say if we listen closely we may hear guidance from the universe. This can be in the form of words, an image, a song… Sometimes I get an internal whisper, and go with it. Gabrielle Bernstein has dubbed this our Inner Guide (ING).

But sometimes I wonder, is this the universe guiding me, or is it just that inner voice, maybe the ego??

So, when shit starts to hit the emotional fan, the one thing I know I always have is prayer. So I pause and say a little prayer for me.

They usually go something like:

Dear Universe, HELP! I need a miracle!

or

Dear Universe, please do for me what I cannot do for myself.

These prayers are all encompassing and cover a wide area. I enjoy the moment of relief and carry on. If I need it again, I can always come back to it.

When I can pinpoint exactly why I’m feeling a certain way I will get more specific with my prayer. This usually has to do with praying to see a situation differently, praying for forgiveness, and praying to handle things with LOVE rather than FEAR.

Reading The Universe Has Your Back, and so far so good. It’s very much a culmination of the self-help books and spiritual work I’ve been doing over the past 12 years. Louise Hay, Marianne Williamson, Wayne Dyer, Abraham Hicks. Gabby has a great way of summing everything up and showing us how we can apply meditation, prayer, and affirmations to everyday life.

 

quick tips on getting over a breakup

I love these tips I saw in an Instagram post the other day… super simple and SUPER helpful!

Check it out:

  1. Block them on everything
  2. Redirect your thinking to focus on YOU when you think of them
  3. Don’t stalk them
  4. Change your “why me”mindset to “I’m grateful for this lesson”

Mic Drop.